The red carpet is rolled up, market stalls have been dismantled and luxury yachts head off to the next party scene. Another Cannes Film Festival has come to an end, yielding one final surprise in the Jury’s choice of Palme d’Or winner. But enough of this boring film talk. What have we really learned from this year’s festival? Here’s the top five lessons to take away.

  1. Paloma Faith is the stuff of nightmares

Literally as far as Rachel Weisz is concerned in Youth. She doesn’t take well to her husband running off with Faith, playing herself (sort of), purely on the grounds that she’s very good in bed. Staying with her father, Weisz wakes up screaming after a nightmare masquerading as a Paloma Faith music video in which the singer races up mountain roads before exploding into flames in a church. It’s enough to terrify anyone.

  1. Silent discos are always cool

The future for singletons is bleak in Yorgos Lanthimos’ dark comedy The Lobster. Anyone not married has 45 days to partner up or face being turned into a creature of their choosing (I’m guessing human is not an option). But some brave souls want to be alone, escaping to the forest where they live together albeit with personal relationships banned. So what do they do for fun? Slap on headphones and dance away together under the trees of course.

  1. Don’t mess around when naming your child

Providing for your family is one thing; hammering home the importance of money by naming your only child Dollar is another. That’s what happens to the unfortunately named offspring of obnoxious twerp Jinsheng in Mountains May Depart. It ironically becomes an even more inappropriate name when we discover the US economy has tanked in the final act set in 2025.

  1. Nature is full of danger

I appreciate Matthew McConaughey has other things on his mind while attempting to escape the Japanese suicide forest he’s inadvisably wandered into, but he’s not going to get out if he walks around with eyes practically shut. The amount of times the idiot or his companion Ken Watanabe manage to fall over the side of ledges or almost drown becomes ridiculous in The Sea of Trees (main image). Someone really needs to put up a few fences.

  1. Was there any point in wanted posters before the invention of photography?

It would seem not if the efforts put together by the authorities in Marguerite & Julien are anything to go by. Tracking down the incestual brother and sister of the title seems like a mighty difficult task when the pictures plastered everywhere look like they were knocked up on an etch-a-sketch in two minutes flat. It makes Marguerite’s inept hat and fake moustache disguise seem somewhat redundant.

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