AKA Crying Wolf (or even Crying Wolf 3D, of course).

Some people really believe that I always write movie reviews by just putting down the first thoughts that pop into my head. While that is part of the process, and I actually pride myself on trying to minimise the filtering, there’s also a responsibility. Believe it or not, I do feel responsible to all of those who have come together to create a movie, any movie, because it takes a great team effort to get anything finished and out there for the viewing public. And I also feel responsible to readers who may not necessarily want to read little more than a string of juvenile insults.

Most movies, thankfully, make me want to put the time and energy into more than just insults. Cry Wolf, however, is not one of those movies. But I’ll still try to resist, mainly because there were times when I could see that director Tony Jopia was trying to create something fun and entertaining. He just absolutely failed.

The story, as slim as it is, concerns a small English village that contains a large werewolf population. A lot of these werewolves are about to head off on a small holiday, not realising that they’re providing a great opportunity for anyone who may want to try killing them all off in one fell swoop. That’s really all there is to it, despite numerous flashbacks showing how the werewolf group developed and who might want some serious revenge against them.

The only good thing on display here is Caroline Munro, who I’ll probably enjoy see turning up in anything. She’s only onscreen for a few moments, and it’s not her finest hour, but her mere presence is always welcome. Gary Martin plays a private detective in town, and it’s his rather well-known voice (considering his extensive list of vocal credits) that lends narration to the proceedings. Other people star, including Kristofer Dayne and Chloe Farnworth, but they’re a) probably not familiar to many viewers and b) not really that good in the actual acting department, I’m sorry to say.

The script, co-written by Jopia with Andy Davie and Michael Dale, seems to want to act like a cross between UK sitcoms, The Benny Hill Show, and the early works of Peter Jackson (good grief, there’s a quote I hope is never pulled out of context). It ends up falling limply in between all of those touchstones, like so much soaked spaghetti.

But if you think the script and acting are bad . . . . . . . . . just wait until you see the “special effects”. Unless you’re overcome with nostalgia for the days when you played Nightmare Creatures on the PlayStation you will find nothing to appeal here. I’ll be generous and admit that one or two of the gore gags were almost passable, but that’s as far as I’m willing to go (and I doubt that many other people would agree).

In line with the cheeky British humour of it all, Jopia allows you to see boobs. I only mention that here as it may just be enough to encourage some prospective viewers to double my harsh rating. Not for me though. Nope, not even fleeting gratuitous nudity managed to save this from the lowest rating that I have so far given to only a handful of movies.

Cry Wolf is available on DVD from today, here in the UK.

DIRECTOR: TONY JOPIA
WRITER: TONY JOPIA, ANDY DAVIE, MICHAEL DALE
STARS: CAROLINE MUNRO, KRISTOFER DAYNE, CHLOE FARNWORTH, MARCO RADICE, DAVID SELLICKS, GARY MARTIN
RUNTIME: 91 MINS APPROX
COUNTRY: UK

Film Rating: ★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

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