Dark Side of Heaven (2008)

Robbie Moffat solidifies in my mind his position as the worst filmmaker of all time with this laughable, no-budget sci-fi, dedicated to Stanley Kubrick.

But – even with the omnipresent classical score and a stunning, I-can’t-believe-he’s-actually-doing-this final couple of scenes that play like a teenager’s homemade YouTube homage to the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey – it’s not likely to be Stanley you’re thinking of while watching Dark Side of Heaven.

It begins with a sequence of poorly-rendered planets whizzing by, until a small spaceship docks inside a much larger one which we later learn is dormant “behind Pluto.” The rescue team of two men and two women search what looks suspiciously like the cafeteria of a disused hospital before finding a swimming pool and taking a dip. When Italian/Mexican – his accent is so dodgy the film even references it – Caroli looks up at the conservatory roof out into space and screams “What’sa datta orinja balla light comin’ towardsa us?!” the ship suddenly shifts into gear and sets off at ten times the speed of light toward the edge of space itself. With the crew trapped and helpless, along with three R2-D2 types and a gorgeous leggy android barmaid, they resign themselves to the long journey into certain death that lies ahead.

Now I’m about to say some good things about this film, but before I do let’s be very clear: it’s shockingly bad on every imaginable level. With the exception of Jon-Paul Gates voicing the three Uvers robots and Charlotte Radford as Aurora the barmaid, it’s amateur hour in the acting department. The props are almost all recognisable household items dressed up with other recognisable household items to create what look like, well, recognisable household items! Every technical aspect is lousy, lousy, lousy.  And there are shades of the increasingly common misogyny Moffat’s films seem to revel in.

If you’re unfamiliar with the unique cinema of Robbie Moffat you might find it difficult to imagine quite what I’m getting at. You might count The Room or the films of Uwe Boll as the worst ever created. Those of you who’ve ventured deeper into the dark recesses of terrible cinema might be familiar with Ulli Lommel or worse still, Timothy Hines’ infamous three-hour disaster H.G. Wells’ The War of the Worlds, (the third adaptation released in 2005.) But Moffat is on a level all his own. His films are so painful because he has no ambition. No desire to produce work of quality. His scripts are nonsensical, the direction almost willfully lazy. The reason for this is revealed by a quick YouTube search for his company Palm Tree Entertainment. He presents a video promoting his services: essentially anyone with £100,000 to give him can sit back while Palm Tree writes, directs, edits and markets a film of your choosing, and despite his claim that the film wil be “In the cinemas” they tend to end up on Amazon for 1p each plus postage. He must take a hefty fee because there’s never any more than £2,000 or £3,000 on the screen, at most. It’s a cynical approach to filmmaking, and it explains why what you’re watching is such utter dreck.

But with Dark Side of Heaven, Moffat’s pulled the rug from under our feet and actually included some good bits! The moments of unintentional hilarity are many – the ship itself, comprised of rooms in stately homes, botanical gardens, swimming pools and churches (basically anywhere they didn’t have to dress); the actors wearing their sunglasses upside down because it apparently looks futuristic; playing spot-the-component on the Uvers (oh there’s a bin lid! And I’ve got one of those pipes under my sink! And a roll of that aluminium foil in the drawer!); Caroli’s emergence from the brig, which is Moffat’s most outrageous, jaw-dropping moment yet. But for the first time in one of his films there’s some intentional comedy that works, mostly from the Uvers. Jon-Paul Gates, a Moffat regular and a normally awful performer, does surprisingly good work with the voices, and the lines Moffat gives him are often genuinely funny. Charlotte Radford cuts an appealing figure in that cocktail dress, and manages to squeeze a little pathos out of her character with a passable performance.

Most crucially it’s never boring. I smiled almost the whole time, bemused at the demented, cack-handed amateurism on display, and even if that wasn’t the director’s intention I can’t deny I enjoyed myself. The story held my attention, even if was a pile of contradictory nonsense. There was always a bad line reading, or a hilarious special effect, or a legitimate gag that entertained me.

Unquestionably Robbie’s worst/best yet, this never actually made it to DVD and debuts for home viewing at inmoo where it’s available to legally stream for free, along with the horrendous Raindogs and Finding Fortune, which I’m inordinately excited to see.

I urge you all to jump head first into the wonderful, dreadful world of Robbie Moffat. We need more people at the support group.

Director: Robbie Moffat
Stars:Suzanne Harbison, Rachel Rath, Paul Cassidy
Country: UK

Film Rating:

Popularity: 1%